Quotes from 'Tis the Season

Ally: The Christmas season starts as soon as you put up your tree. I think the world could, uh, extend the yuletide spirit a week. *car honks* Ahh, bite me!
Larry: Ah, there's the spirit.

Larry: I always hated Christmas. Uh oh, I should have saved that for later in the relationship.
Ally: Mmm, I don't know if I can be with a man who hates Christmas.
Larry: I'm allergic to the down feathers in the couch, all right. There's cholesterol in eggnog. The tree is a fire hazard and twinkly lights can cause seizures.

Nelle: Oh, please, he's nothing but a dangerous myth. The fat washed-out alcoholic fiddles with elves. He's a pedophile too, he gets kids to sit on his lap while promising toys. Let's salue our client.
John: Last year you said you loved Santa Claus.
Nelle: He was in last year. Now he's out.

Larry: You'd be surprised what an incredible companion music can be.
Elaine: It's more about a applause for me. Without a stage and an audience I have no use for music.

John: It's my tuning nose.

Richard: There's only one thing you can do, John. You've lied to her. You need to go to her now with a bigger lie.

Mark: I just seems a little desperate to me.
Elaine: This from a man who dates women with schlongs. I'm sorry, that was rude. Mark, I haven't had a real boyfriend in seven years. I AM desperate.

Ally: There's only one real prerequisite left on the list for the man in my life.
Larry: What's that?
Ally: I have to love him.

John: What about movement, y'know? I'm stiff. I step like I'm trying to kill bugs.

Ally: I have to pee.
Larry: Gosh, that's so romantic.

Reneé: He's gonna be fine.
Ally: And how can you be sure?
Reneé: He's got you.

Ally: Are you really trying to have a serious conversation with a red blinking nose?

Mark: I thought you were great, Elaine.
Elaine: Thank you. I appreciate that.
Mark: Did you get any dates out of it?
Elaine: It wasn't about getting a date.
Mark: My question is, did you get one?
Elaine: No, I didn't. All right?
Mark: Would you like one?
Elaine: A date?
Mark: Yes.
Elaine: With you?
Mark: Yes.
Elaine: You're asking me out.
Mark: Yes.
Elaine: Yes.
Mark: Great. Oh, I know this is a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask anyway.... Elaine: I don't have a penis.
Mark: Excellent. Eight o'clock?
Elaine: That'd be great.

Elaine: It's just, I've sent signals to you before you never picked up on.
Mark: Like when you dry-humped me?
Elaine: That would be one of them.

Elaine: He's not bad. I was better, though, right?

Larry: How does it start?
Ally: Uh, um, with a dream.
Larry: Right.

Back to episode info