Skip summary and go straight to Josh's "Bits and Pieces"
"There are the legal considerations, but there are also the practical ones," says Nelle's lawyer, an attractive young woman with red hair named Hope Mercey. They're talking about Nelle's decision to start her own law practice, and Hope informs her that, in a venture like this, she needs to hit the ground running or she'll fail instantly. This means more than just shopping for office supplies...she'll need the files from her clients, and there's a very good chance that Richard Fish won't part with those, because as long as he's got them he'll be able to dissuade the clients from following Nelle. However, the computer files can only be accessed with a code, and only the attorneys - - and Elaine - - have it. The lawyer suggests that Nelle hire the secretary to get the codes. "Not in a million years," Nelle says. "I don't like her." "If she has the passwords, you LOVE her," Hope says. Also, Nelle points out that Elaine is loyal to Ally and wouldn't leave the firm. "Give her more money and a better title," Mercey says, adding one more factor to the equation...the lawyer once had sex with Richard Fish. Disgusted, Nelle asks if this will create a conflict of interest, and Hope assures her that she has no problem being dastardly with men she's slept with. "Tomorrow, you'll recruit Elaine," Hope says, pacing and laying out their battle plan. "Then you'll get the files. By Wednesday you're solo, Thursday you'll be sued." She pauses, flashing a beautiful smile. "Isn't it exciting?"
Ally is at the bar with Brian Selig, and he asks innocently if it's the only place she ever goes. She tells him that it's where her friends are. "I'm not very good at evaluating a man one-on-one," she explains, "so it helps if I see him in context with my friends." She adds that she didn't know how the drink would go, and wanted an escape hatch. Brian observes that she's upset because he didn't call for two days. "Ally, you strike me as the type that, when everything's right, something must be wrong," he says gently. "If he's too interested, then..." He pauses. "I didn't want to scare you off. Because I AM so interested." She is stunned by his sweetness and candor, and manages to stammer out that it's nice to hear. He rises, inviting her to the dance floor. Richard and John enter the bar and stop in their tracks, seeing Ally and Brian dancing...kissing passionately and holding each other close, right there in the middle of the dance floor. The two men look at each other and smile, nodding. She's finally found someone.
The next morning, Nelle steps off the elevator into the Cage/Fish offices. John's lips immediately pull back into his familiar grimace. He says that his psychiatrist advised him to just go directly into smile therapy when he sees Nelle instead of waiting for her to engage in her "typically horrendous behavior." Nelle asks if she can speak to Elaine for a moment, then steps directly into John's face ominously, leaning in; her smile is enough to freeze the blood in a man's veins. "Tell all of your little friends to stay hidden," she hisses. "I'm a BAD witch." He tries to shake off the obscure Munchkin reference, but it's clear that inwardly, he's steaming.
"I'm sure you're not interested, Elaine," Nelle says to Elaine, "but I'm going to be hiring a paralegal, and you're the most qualified person in the office so I feel obligated to offer it to you." Confused, Elaine asks if Nelle was required to officially ask her or something. Nelle casually says that she wasn't, but she had to so that her conscience would be clear...after all, it wouldn't be fair to ask anyone else first, since Elaine would be the best one for the job. Offhand, Nelle says she knew the secretary wouldn't be interested, even if the job DOES pay double what she's making now. "Twice my salary?" Elaine asks, stunned. "It's a tougher job, Elaine," Nelle warns her. "You don't just do other people's bidding all day long, you become your own decision maker. And with autonomy comes pressure. I'm not sure you'd want this," she says quickly, returning to her work. "You're never going to leave Ally. She'd never LET you leave." Elaine bristles, assuring her that what she does isn't entirely Ally's decision. Nelle says that she'll hold off on hiring anyone else until Elaine makes her decision. "I'm offering a job here, Elaine," Nelle reminds her. "Not a friendship. Yuck." Elaine nods.
Ally is in the unisex, standing in front of the mirror and glowing at her newfound love. The door opens, and Mark enters. He starts to enter a stall...and stops, turning and nervously asking Ally if it's serious - - or on its way into serious - - between her and Brian. She points out that it's rather a personal question, and asks him why he asked. "Well, I was thinking," he stammers, "if it wasn't serious, of asking you to dinner. But if it IS serious and/or going that way, then us having dinner would be a lousy idea." She gently says that it wouldn't be "lousy," just inappropriate. He smiles. "I suddenly feel...heh...stupid," he says. That's when he hears a toilet flush. And another. And another. John leaves a stall, and then Richard, both murmering salutations to Mark as they pass. But true humiliation comes when the third stall door opens and Brian emerges, taking Ally for an evening out.
Nelle summons Elaine to her office, sadly informing her that the powers at Cage/Fish wouldn't let her hire Elaine. Swearing the receptionist to secrecy, she tells her that the partners don't think she could handle the responsibility, that they think she's just a "horny, dumb blonde" and nothing more. "I don't agree with them," Nelle assures her. She adds that, if Elaine really wants the job, she'll go back and keep trying to persuade them. "That's okay," Elaine says, obviously heartbroken. As she leaves, a sinister smile spreads across Nelle's ruby lips. All too easy, she thinks. Manipulating Elaine would prove no challenge at all.
Ally dances through the streets, grinning, as though there are wings on her heels. She smiles and waves at passersby...an older gentleman bumps into her and she giggles, adjusting his hat and straightening his bow tie before sending him on his way again. She sees a wedding gown in a shop window and stops to admire it. The blank visage of the mannequin shifts and becomes her beaming face. She waves happily at her.
Ling walks through the Cage/Fish offices, and sees Nelle. "Hey, bitch!" Ling greets her warmly. "Haven't seen you around lately, what have you been up to?" Nelle tosses off a casual response, and when Ling invites her to lunch, she says she's too busy today but that they'll do it tomorrow. Ling asks if there's anything wrong, and Nelle insists that everything's fine. As she sweeps through the office, she hustles Elaine into her office, pausing just long enough to call John a twerp in passing. His face tightens into a desperate rictus. Ling watches all of this, her eyes narrowing...something is definitely going on.
"Again, I need your word that you'll keep this a secret," Nelle tells Elaine. She reveals that she's leaving the firm...and she wants Elaine to come with her as a full paralegal. As Elaine's jaw drops, Nelle promises her a starting salary of $85,000 and a promotion to Chief Operating Officer in three years. "It'll be a risk, Elaine!" Nelle reminds her. "You would be walking a plank. It's much safer, I guess, to stay a secretary...though here, that's all you'll ever be." Elaine is speechless at the offer, and asks if she can think about it. Nelle says she wants to leave as quickly as possible, since it wouldn't be fair to Richard and John if she stayed and wasn't committed to her work. "And I'd need my paralegal in place when I go..." "I've thought about it," Elaine says quickly. "I'm in! You're offering a future...why would I stay in a place where they don't think I'm qualified?" She gets up to leave, saying that all she has to do is tell Ally. "You can't," Nelle says, explaining that this needs to be kept quiet. If Ally knew that Nelle was leaving, she'd be obligated to tell the partners, and swearing Ally to secrecy would be putting her in the position of risking her job. "You'd be doing her a HUGE disservice by telling her before, Elaine," Nelle insists. She asks if Elaine still wants to do this, and the secretary eagerly says she does. Nelle smiles. "Oh," she adds, trying to sound casual, "once we leave, we'll be contacting clients I've had, asking them to come with us. Here's a list of everyone I've worked with here. If you could download the case files, it'd probably be good to have them." Elaine asks if that's okay to do, and Nelle points out that, once Richard finds out about Nelle's departure, he might become petty and not release the files. "If the client doesn't come with us, there's no consequence," Nelle adds. Seeing Elaine's discomfort, she proposes that the secretary simply give HER the passwords and she'll do it herself...that way, she won't be put in an awkward situation. Elaine agrees. "We're going to have fun, Elaine!" Nelle says. "We're going to build something together from scratch, you and I!" She extends her hand, and Elaine shakes it, smiling.
Back at Hope's office, Nelle reports that she's gotten all of the files she needed. The lawyer says that now, all she needs to do in order to start soliciting clients is officially leave the firm...and since she's got nothing left in her office that she needs, she can start calling now, before the secret of her departure is out. "Above all, don't forget to enjoy yourself," Hope advises, grinning. "This is nasty fun!"
"That's the thing about women," Brian says as he drinks coffee with Ally in a cafe. "They're all lovely and sweet and funny right up to the point when they reveal themselves as utter monsters. I'm sure there are exceptions, just no...documented cases yet. That's why I try to date monsters. It allows me to make an informed choice, should I decide to get married." Smiling, Ally asks how she's doing so far, and Brian suggests that they order. "By the way," he says casually as Ally takes a drink of water, "I should quite like to have sex tonight." She spews the beverage all over him in surprise, coughing. "I quite suppose I deserve that," he observes ruefully, wiping his face.
Richard is fawning over a well-dressed client who has stopped by the office. "I just wanted you to know that I'm appreciative of all the work you've done for me," the client says, "and I hope, even though we're not doing business together anymore, we can be friends." Richard starts to respond...and stops, his smile frozen in place. The client elaborates, saying that he's given his account to Nelle Porter. Richard suggests that, while Nelle is a fine lawyer, he should still oversee things. "Richard, she doesn't work here anymore!" the client says. "How could you oversee things?" Richard's face is a mask of confusion. Finally understanding the situation, the client explains that Nelle called him an hour ago, saying that she left Cage/Fish and started a firm of her own. Richard rummages through his desk, grabbing a small remote control and pushing a button. A klaxon alarm blares through the office.
"Lock down our computers!" Richard storms through the office furiously, barking orders over the siren like the commander of a nuclear submarine. "I want Nelle's office searched, I want her phone records checked! Where the hell is Ling?!" Ling asks what's wrong, grimacing at the unholy noise. "Nelle left and stole clients! Did you know about this?" he yells. "No!" she says. "I don't believe you!" he screams, his voice cracking like a child throwing a tantrum. John asks what's wrong, and Richard tells him that Nelle raided the clients and left to start her own firm. He clicks off the alarm. "For everyone's attention," Richard announces to the office, "Nelle Porter is not allowed in here! I want her office door locked! If she shows up, I am to be notified at once! Talk about dishonest," he says to John. "I hired her to steal from her old firm, and she ends up stealing from ME!" Suddenly, the elevator chimes...and the doors open, revealing a grinning Nelle. She steps off and, swaggering over to the two men, tells them that she just stopped by to inform them of her departure. John begins to spit insults at her. "You lying, conniving, sinister, backstabbing--!" "Bet you'd REALLY like to spank me now, huh, John?" she sneers. She sweeps through the office, collecting Elaine the way she would a box of office supplies. When John and Richard react with confusion, the secretary informs them that it's better to be where she's appreciated.
The crackling sound of two paper bags inflating and deflating in unison echoes against the buildings of Boston as John and Richard hyperventilate together. "I want to get her," John says, his voice muffled by the bag. Mark warns him that they don't want to make this personal. "It's about money! It's personal!" Richard whines. "I want to GET her," John snarls. Mark says that they have to try for an injunction, and they're going before Judge Walsh in about an hour. Ally is still stunned, unable to make sense of Elaine's behavior. A sudden loud bang startles her. She turns, and sees that John's bag has popped. "I want to GET her," he growls quietly. Richard offers his own bag to the enraged Biscuit.
At the courthouse, the Cage/Fish crew storm off the elevator angrily to face the trio of Nelle, Elaine and Hope, who advises them not to say anything. Richard frowns, observing that he had sex with Hope, and she thanks him for once again raising the relevent issues. When Ally asks if she can speak with Elaine, the red-headed lawyer cuts in before the secretary can respond, saying that she can't allow that. John merely glares at Nelle. Mark suggests that they go inside, and Hope & Co. walk away. "I had sex with her," Richard says, watching Hope. "She wouldn't talk to me," Ally says, watching Elaine. John snorts derisively, watching Nelle.
"It is the equivilent of stealing, Your Honor...it is as simple as that," Mark argues. "Nothing is as simple as Mr. Albert appears to be, Your Honor," Hope retorts. Mark points out that there is case law, and Hope submits that case law requires that the situation be examined in its totality. "She stole files," Mark reminds the judge. Hope says that Nelle was promised a partnership in the firm; that a month ago, Richard Fish made it clear that his promises mean nothing; that she was subjected to "corporal punishment" by the other senior partner, John Cage; and that she was made a target of retaliation since ending her relationship with Mr. Cage... "Balls, balls, balls," John mutters loudly, interrupting her. Hope suggests that, because there are many factors involved in this case that should be kept private, the case should be decided by an arbiter rather than in a public forum. "It's probably a good idea," Walsh concedes. The Cage/Fish team agrees to this, and Walsh says that he will pick the name of the arbiter randomly.
Outside the courtroom, Ally calls out to Elaine in the hall. Hope begins to protest, and Ally cuts her off, saying, "She is my friend, and I WILL talk to her." Apologetically, Elaine tries to explain, saying that they refused to make her a paralegal and that she didn't tell Ally because she didn't want to get her fired. Hope and Nelle drag her away as Ally watched, confused, trying to process what she's just heard. When John and Richard join her, she asks them about it, and they have no idea what she's talking about. Mark delivers bad news...the judge just drew the name of the arbiter, and it's Julia Brattle, a.k.a. "Bulldog" Brattle, a lawyer notorious for her hatred of men.
"I was at the point where I just...felt I had no esteem left," Nelle says quietly as Brattle - - a large woman with a stern face - - listens. The lawyers all sit around a table in a conference room, marvelling at Nelle's helpless-and-humiliated-victim-of-male-corporate-brutality performance and no doubt picturing her thanking the Academy in her acceptance speech. Hope asks her to tell them what happened. "Well, can you imagine being in a relationship where you're so controlled?" she asks. "He had a clicker to make me shorter or taller, depending on his wishes! He had another clicker built into my hair pins!" Hope asks if he ever physically abused her, and she admits that he "took a hair brush to her," saying it was "to sexually excite." John fidgets in his chair. "It was like bondage there, like I was a slave!" she continues. "So I planned to leave." Nelle pauses and asks if she can go to the ladies' room, acting as though she's been emotionally overcome by reliving these horrors. Brattle excuses her, and Nelle asks that someone come with her, saying that it's a unisex and she doesn't feel she'd be safe. "The men, they follow you into the bathroom here," she says. "You lying, manipulative, conniving bitch," John says, shaking his head. Brattle warns him, and Richard's eyes bulge as he catches sight of a huge, quivering tricep wattle swinging from her arm.
As Nelle goes to the bathroom, Ling follows, saying that friends tell each other what's going on. Nelle reminds her that, if she'd had any knowledge, Richard would have fired her in a second. Hope crosses the office to speak with Richard, telling him that she's spent many nights lying in bed, thinking about that night they had together and regretting it. As he begins to word a scathing reply, she adds, "And when this is over, I was hoping you might...give me a little something to regret again." He stammers and walks away, leaving her with a smile on her face.
Elaine unpacks her personal effects, setting them up in her new office. Ally walks in behind her, looking around. "Nice place," she observes quietly. Elaine tries to explain why she couldn't tell Ally what was going on. "As far as I can figure," Ally says, "Nelle came to you offering some paralegal position, and then she said that Richard nixed it." Elaine nods. "Well, John and Richard never knew anything about a paralegal job, Nelle never discussed it with them." The receptionist's face falls as she realizes, finally, how easily she was manipulated. Ally asks what Nelle needed from her. Weakly, Elaine suggests that maybe she's just a very good secretary...then, feeling like a fool, admits that Nelle needed the passwords for the client files. "She didn't just download them," Ally tells her. "She deleted them from our computer. She stole them, Elaine."
John slowly, maddeningly, pours water from a jug into his glass as the room full of lawyers waits for him to begin questioning Nelle. "You indicated that Richard indicated that he would not make you partner a month ago, is that what you indicated?" he asks. "But you started talking to clients three months ago, indicating to them you might leave. And that was long before Richard indicated what you indicated that he indicated." She says that she could see it coming. He responds with derision. "Between thwacks of the hair brush," she continues, "I could see this place wasn't good for me." John's nose whistles. "And tell me, John, how easy do you think it was for me to stay here with you, the senior partner, walking around, declaring me to be a 'rich bitch elitist snob coldhearted witch?'" "Because that's exactly what you are," John says. "An arrogant, unfeeling..." Mark tries to quiet him, but he continues. "I was stuck in an elevator...!" "Mr. Cage..." Brattle warns. "OH, PIPE DOWN, BULLDOG!" he snarls. Brattle growls like an enraged pit bull, her lip curling. Richard hides his face. Mark quickly says that he thinks they're done. When Brattle asks if they have anyone they want to question, Ally walks in with Elaine. Hope quickly says that the woman is already represented by counsel, and Ally says that Elaine has decided to switch lawyers.
Elaine testifies that Nelle needed the passwords from her. When Brattle asks why Nelle didn't just ask her for the passwords, Elaine says that she wouldn't have given them to her because she doesn't like her. "Then why did you go to work for her?" Brattle asks. "Well, that's where she was tricky," Elaine says. "She offered me this job here first, and then said that Richard and John wouldn't let her give me the job here, supposedly because they considered me unqualified. She told me this confidentially, by the way, so I couldn't confront John or Richard about it. Then she comes to me and says that SHE'S leaving, and she offers me this incredible position at her new firm, plus a huge salary. And I'm thinking, 'Well, they don't hold me in much regard here, I'd be a fool not to take it.' And then she comes to me, and she says, 'Oh, by the way, we need those client files.' And since she's sensitive to how awkward I might be about downloading them, she says to give her the passwords and she'll do it...which I do. But instead of downloading them, she steals them." Hope begins to question her. "So, you're saying you were in the dark about everything?" she asks. Elaine says that she had no idea what was going on. "So why should we have any confidence that you do now?" Hope asks. "Poor Elaine." Ally objects, but Hope continues. "Although Nelle was deceptive about the paralegal job that was being offered to her, it was only to help lure you away because she truly believed you to be the most gifted assistant." Elaine's face shifts, and it's obvious that she's becoming confused again, unsure. Ally looks at her and shakes her head quickly...Elaine nods, snapping out of it. Brattle says she's heard enough, and that she'll take twenty minutes before making her ruling.
John swings out of a stall in the unisex, grandly dismounting. Richard says that, when they go back in, he doesn't think that John should be there. John reacts with indignation. "Well, no offense, but you've kind of blown our case, what with the 'balls, balls, balls' and the 'Pipe down, Bulldog?' That was helpful." John says that he is senior partner, and he most certainly WILL be in that room. Richard says that they have to work with the best interests of the firm in mind, and that John's personalizing the case has put them in jeopardy. "This is not an autocracy!" John says. "We are co-senior partners!" Richard says that John has become incapacitated, and John becomes hostile...Richard points out that they are in this mess because of John's behavior, with the hair brush and the clicker and calling Nelle a witch at every opportunity. Enraged, John says that it's RICHARD's fault for promising her partnership and not giving it to her. Richard tells John to go home and get some rest. John pauses, scowling...and shoves Richard. Stunned, Richard warns John to never push him again, ever. The Biscuit pushes him again, harder, like a playground bully. Richard pushes back, his face twitching.
Elaine is setting up her office supplies back at her old desk. Nelle sees her and approaches. "You're coming back HERE?" she asks, her nose crinkling in disgust. Elaine says that she is, adding, "You're not a nice person. You do know that." Nelle asks, almost desperately, "If you hear about a woman... 'She's a really nice person'...or you heard, 'She's a tough bitch'...deep down, which do you admire more? Truthfully?" "I admire honesty," Elaine says simply. Nelle's face flickers for a second, then she recovers, trying to blow it off by saying "What do you know?" and walking away. "I know that rich, successful people like you often end up with no friends," Elaine answers. Nelle looks at her for a moment before turning and walking away, a little more quickly than usual...almost as though she's running from something.
Richard and John hit the floor, grappling fiercely...Richard is twisting John's head, demanding that he say "Uncle," as the Biscuit uses Richard's tie to choke him. Hope enters and, upon seeing this, pulls them off each other. "He started it!" Richard says between gasps of breath. "Did not!" John snarls. Both men storm out angrily, leaving Hope alone in the unisex. She hears a flush and a stall door opens; Brattle eases out carefully. "I was...afraid to come out," she explains to a bewildered Hope.
Hope enters Richard's office to find him pacing back and forth. She says she hopes he isn't taking this personally. "Oh, no, why should I?" he asks, sitting on his desk. "An associate's trying to ruin my firm, a woman I slept with is helping her." She runs her fingers through his hair, smiling and saying that he really should be flattered by all of this attention. "This is all about money," she points out, "and that's your influence: Money. In a way, Nelle wants to be you. She sees how...attractive...wealth is on you. How sexy power can be. I'll tell you this, Richard: Win or lose, I plan on reliving that night we had." He tries to stand, insisting that she's the enemy...but she pushes him back down, kissing him on the lips. "I don't fight fair," she purrs. John pokes his head in, saying that Brattle is ready for them.
"I find there is no evidence of Ms. Porter unlawfully soliciting clients while she was still employed here," Brattle announces. "But the files were taken in bad faith. I can't order the clients to come back here if they don't choose to, nor can I order Ms. Porter to return. So I'm denying the injunctive relief. But I AM ordering Ms. Porter to pay liquidated damages in the amount of $300,000." Devastated, Nelle protests, saying she'll appeal. "You can't appeal," Brattle reminds her. "I'm BINDING." John nods, satisfied.
Hope tells Nelle to calm down, but Nelle is livid, saying that she'll basically still be working for them to pay off the damages. "You have clients, you have a process!" Hope tells her. "You can walk into any bank right and get a loan right now. I'll talk to Richard and get the judgment structured, it'll be like a mortgage payment, nothing more. You're the winner here!" Hope gives her a bottle of '78 Latour, suggesting that she go back to her new office and toast herself...she has her own law firm. Nelle sourly points out that she's in debt and has no friends.
Ally is in the bar, sitting between the sullen senior partners. "We are going to stay here all night if we have to," she says, sounding like a school teacher, "until you two shake hands." "He assaulted me," Richard murmers. "I pushed you!" John shoots back, adding, "You twisted my ligaments!" "Because you wouldn't say 'Uncle,'" Richard says. They spend several moments more glowering at each other as Ally and Mark wait patiently. Finally, Richard speaks. "You know I love you, John," he says quietly. "I love you too," John says. They shake hands. Hope approaches, stealing Richard so they can work out the details of the payment. As Brian watches Hope leave from another table where he's sitting with Elaine and Renee, he leans in and says conspiratorially, "You know, there's a rumor about Hope Mercey..." But before he can satisfy their hunger for gossip, Ally pulls him onto the dance floor. As they go, Elaine thanks Ally for allowing her to come back. "I never really lost you, did I, Elaine?" Ally asks quietly. "Never," the secretary answers solemnly.
In Richard's office, Hope works out the details with him...but Richard finds it a bit difficult to concentrate when she proceeds to seduce him...and as the Cage/Fish crew celebrate their triumph with a victory dance, Nelle sits alone in her office, nursing a glass of wine.