Ally and Renee are bridesmaids in a friend's wedding who, according to Renee, only got married because she hit 30. Ally asks Renee to drop a big rock on her head if she ever gets that desperate. Well, a few seconds later, she is that desperate. In an effort to catch the bouquet, Ally pushes the bride's aunt aside, elbows Renee, and literally tackles two other women before she catches it -- all in slow motion. Renee walks through the crowd, comes up to Ally, who is sprawled out on her back on the floor, and drops a big rock on her head.
At home, while roasting bridesmaid dresses in the fireplace, Ally swears to Renee that she will never wear another one – in fact, she would rather wear her pajamas in public. We learn that Ally and Georgia are working on the case of a woman who wants to marry a guy with a life sentence for hijacking a plane and blowing up two buildings. Renee wonders why she would want to marry a convict and says she must have hit 30.
In the conference room the next day, we learn that the convict was 20 when he blew up the plane, and that he is a maximum security prisoner. Fish asks Cage to third chair the case, but he declines because he has smile therapy that morning.
In court, Ally argues that people have a constitutional right to be married. The judge, who admits to being an incurable romantic, tells Ally the only way is to get the warden to agree.
In the unisex, Fish asks Cage about smile therapy for the entire firm. They exit their stalls – Cage without his pants. Cage says he will set up a smile therapy session. It isn't until they are out of the bathroom that Fish tells Cage, "Oh, and John, pants."
Georgia and Ally meet with the warden, who tells them that the only court-recognized exceptions that allow a prisoner to marry are if they had a child, or if she were pregnant. He also won't allow conjugal visits, because that is only for married prisoners, and even if they were married, there are no conjugal visits for maximum security prisoners.
Ally and Georgia meet with their client, Janie, back in Ally's office. She asks her why she wants to marry Michael. Janie responds, "because I love him, isn't that enough?" Ally believes it is, but Fish, who admits to eavesdropping, enters the office and has his say. He says the main reason women seek to marry is to basically make it much harder for the man to get away. He adds that she already has that because Michael isn't going anywhere. "Not only will he not be having sex with other women, he won't be having it with you. In a sense, you really are married," Fish concludes.
Later, Georgia, Billy, Ally and Fish are having drinks in the bar downstairs when Fish sees someone. Attorney General Janet Reno is sitting at the bar, and Fish goes to talk to her. After introducing himself and asking her to dance, he tells her she has some soot or something on her neck, and begins to try and clean it off. (Of course, we all know that he's just fingering her wattle!) It isn't long before Whipper walks in and sees Richard touching the Attorney General's neck. When Fish notices her, he introduces the two, then Whipper pulls him off to the side. Fish tries to tell Whipper that is was firm business, to which she responds, "I have no doubt that your business was firm, but I'm really not interested in your explanation." Richard then gets dumped. And the dancing twins try to get Janet Reno to dance.
At home the next morning, Ally has told Renee that she wants to move to Switzerland because everything is neutral there. On the way out the door, Renee leans over to a blow-up male doll, calls it David, tells it she will see it tonight, then kisses it.
At the office, Cage is trying to get Fish to smile, but Fish tells Cage to go stand on a railroad track and take a moment. Cage smiles anyway, but adds that the remark Fish made troubles him. Fish then tells Cage that he's a cracker and walks out. Cage's response: "Unacceptable." The smile remains, but it fades a bit.
Ally follows Fish into the unisex. She tells him that Whipper has a right to be angry and that if he wants her back he can't deny what he did. He has tried to call her, but she has a message on her machine saying that if he comes near her she will file a restraining order. Ally asks if Richard wants her to talk to Whipper and when he hesitates, she says she isn't such a disaster when it comes to other people's lives.
Janie has come to the firm and is telling Georgia that Michael is in solitary confinement because he threw a trashcan in the general vicinity of the warden. Ally joins them as Janie asks if they can make the argument that marriage would be good for the inmate, which would be good for the prison, which would be good for the whole state. Billy suggests they go back to the judge -- maybe they can catch him in a good mood. Ally goes to Cage asking if the smile therapy he has been doing would work the other way. Could she use it to negotiate to get something she wants? Cage says that skill is innate to everyone woman.
Ally visits Whipper in her chambers, and Whipper tells her that what Richard did hurts more because it was Janet Reno. She says that she has caught Richard up late at night, watching CNN or C-SPAN when Janet Reno was on. One night, she even thought she might have caught him touching himself while watching Reno on Nightline.
Back at the office, Fish apologizes to Cage, and Cage asks him why he won't just marry Whipper. Fish says over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. There's also the age difference, and Fish doesn't see himself as someone who can beat the statistics. Cage tells him if he wants to get Whipper back, he's going to have to go to her, and Cage tells him he will show him how.
At home, Renee thinks that Georgia should be the one to flirt with the judge. She says that Ally has a natural pout, to which Ally responds it is a radiant smile. Janie is there, and Ally asks her if there is anything she can tell her that will help her convince the judge. She admits she doesn't have to have a piece of paper telling her they are married, but she wants it. She wants to make that vow to love him forever, and she wants it recognized by everyone. She says she sits at her piano and sings to him every night. Renee says Ally sings "Goodnight, My Someone" to someone she isn't even sure exists. Janie says she sings "For Your Love" to Michael, and Ally asks her to sing. She sits at the piano and starts to sing.
We go to Cage and Fish in the unisex, where Cage is teaching Fish how to prepare for going to Whipper. He tells Fish to stand with his feet shoulder width apart, look in the mirror, and see yourself as you are, then as how you want to be. Cage says when he does that, he hears the bells tolling. Fish tries it, but only hears a cowbell.
Back at the apartment, Renee and Janie are singing "For Your Love" together, while Ally dances with David, the blow-up doll.
The next day, Elaine is giving Ally flirting pointers, adding that in a pinch, she sometimes alludes to not wearing any underwear. Ally says she won't be in that pinch. Janie shows up – she couldn't sit at home and wait, and she thinks she is probably ovulating. Ally tells her she'll be back in an hour.
Ally is sitting in the judge's chambers, smiling and acting like she's laughing at a joke the judge just told, when the judge walks in. She shakes his hand and thanks him for meeting her. The judge has to ask for his hand back. She goes on to compliment him on his cute children, singling out a picture of an older boy, who Ally says is very handsome and must have some of his father's genes. The judge tells her he's adopted, and adds, "You're flirting." Ally says yes, but continues on to ask for a court order to allow her client's fiancé to make sperm deposits. She gets her court order.
Fish goes to see Whipper, and is surprised to see she is wearing a turtleneck. She says she didn't want to take any chances. Fish takes his stance, and begins to hear the bells tolling. He tells her that she locates way too much of her self-esteem in her neck. He compliments her breasts, her rump, her stomach, and her hair. She tells him he left out her eyes, her lips, her soft Midas touch hands, her thighs, and most of all, her knee, which hits its target.
Back at the office, Janie isn't very thrilled with the solution that Ally has come up with, but she goes along with it. After all, if she gets pregnant, then they qualify under prison rules to marry. Ally and Georgia take a plastic bowl and lid and go off to the prison.
At the prison, Michael tells Ally and Georgia that he's not too great under pressure, and asks if Ally will stand back and let him look at her. She says no, and Georgia says forget it. They tell him to think of Janie.
Cage, Fish and Elaine are all using the unisex. They exit their stalls at the same time, and go to wash their hands. Fish is trying to explain why he said what he did to Whipper. Elaine informs them that women want commitment. She says women would rather be monogamous, and men just want to procreate with anything that moves.
The warden comes to get the plastic bowl to take to Michael. He's obviously not thrilled that Ally and Georgia have found a way to get around the rules. Ally tells him that Janie and Michael love each other, and she asks him why he insists that it has to make sense. "They love each other, and it's not just enough, it's everything," Ally tells him. He pauses, then takes the bowl and the 'Playpen' magazine.
The warden comes back with the sample and tries to hand it to Ally. She tells Georgia to take it. Georgia tells Ally to take it. Ally takes her phone, puts it to her ear, and says, "I'm on the phone. Take it." Georgia takes it.
Ally and Georgia are taking the sample to Janie at a fertility clinic when Ally misses her turn, and then turns on to a one-way street. A cop is right there, and he stops them. He asks if Ally has been drinking, then asks to see the container with the sample in it. Ally tells the officer that even if she had been drinking, she was not drinking from the container. He tells them to get out of the car and give him the container or he will arrest them. He opens the container and smells it. A female cop that is with him asks what it is, and he says he isn't able to tell. She smells it, and tells him that everything a man truly has to offer a woman is in that cup.
When Ally and Georgia finally arrive at the clinic, Janie has changed her mind. She takes the container, opens it, and dumps its contents down the drain. The warden arrives to tell them that he has decided to let Janie and Michael marry. She asks Ally and Georgia to be her bridesmaids. Ally says okay, even though there will be repercussions, because she told Renee that she would never be a bridesmaid again.
Fish has been waiting for Whipper in her chambers, and she finally arrives. He tells her that he loves her more than he's ever loved anyone. He said that at Christmas, he tried to gloss over his commitment phobia by saying let's get through Christmas. Now he says "Let's just get through Valentine's Day." Whipper says that if she didn't know he loved her, she would kill him. She hugs him, and discovers he's wearing a cup.
Janie and Michael get married, and Ally and Georgia are the bridesmaids. Michael comes up to them after the ceremony and asks if he can tell them a secret. He says when he went to give the sample, he imagined Georgia and Ally together. He says when he was young, he would fiddle with his sister's dolls. He nods to Georgia and says "Barbie, then nods to Ally and says "Midge." Ally says she should at least be happy that she isn't "Skipper."
That night, Billy, Georgia, Whipper, Fish, Renee, Cage and Elaine all stand
in the snow outside Ally's apartment, while she dances in her flannel pajamas.
(The one's with the sheep!)
©1998 Dana Hagerty. All rights reserved.