Synopsis of Cro-Magnon

Written by Dana Hagerty

It's a good thing this show airs at 9:00 p.m. Eastern. I'm too terrified to see what kinds of things Renee would get away with saying if this aired at 10:00!

For those who are reading this summary because they missed the show, before I get into it, I want to tell you about something that will come up later. If you get e-mail, and you have friends that send you those really weird e-mail programs, you will probably be familiar with this. If you don't have any clue what I'm talking about, then I probably won't be able to explain it very well. There's a QuickTime movie that gets e-mailed around, where a weird-looking computerized baby dances. Believe it or not, that was incorporated into this show. I'll explain later.

We begin with Ally and Renee in sculpting class. The nude model they've been sculpting is replaced with a new model, Glenn. Glenn disrobes, Ally's eyes almost pop out of her head, and Renee exclaims: "I might need a touch more clay!"

The next day, when Ally tells Georgia about the model, she asks, "is it real?" Ally admits she didn't get up there and biopsy it, but yes, she believes she saw enough of it to say it is real. Billy joins the group to ask Georgia if she wants to come with him and the guys to McCall's Friday night to watch boxing. Georgia informs Billy that she thinks she wants to take up sculpting. Billy didn't hear the earlier conversation, so he isn't sure where this is coming from, but he wonders about it.

Ally goes over to talk with Richard, her new client, Clint Gil, and his father, Austin. Austin is angry because he doesn't believe his son should enter a guilty plea. He wonders what will happen when his son tries to apply to medical school and they find out he has a record. Richard says they will tell him to apply to law school. Ally tells the Gil's that the only way to avoid a record is to try the case and win, and, well, six people did see him throw the punch. Mr. Gil says it was just a fight at a party, but Ally reminds him that the fight broke another kid's cheekbone. Richard tells them there has to be another alternative, and that when Ally goes into her office to concentrate, he is always amazed at what she comes up with.

When Ally enters her office, she is surprised to find Cage leaning down behind her desk. Her gasp startles him, and he rises, telling Ally that he dropped his Papermate. He admits he isn't there on a work-related matter, and asks her to dinner with him Saturday night. She accepts. Then Richard comes in to inform them that he wants Cage to assist Ally on the assault case.

Georgia has changed into an old pair of jeans and a slightly revealing sweater, and Billy asks if that's what she is wearing to sculpting class. Georgia asks him if he wants her to get clay on her suit. Billy thinks he knows why she is suddenly interested in this class because there are naked men. However, Elaine clears the air by announcing that it's only one naked man, and he's got a trunk like Dumbo's. At this announcement, Billy tells Georgia he doesn't want her to go. He says he's surprised they are taking this class just because the model has a big penis, and Ally defends herself by reminding Billy that she signed up for the class before she saw it.

Now, here's the part I was telling you about earlier. Ally starts hearing "oooga chucka, oooga oooga, oooga chucka." (This is Blue Swede's version of "Hooked on a Feeling.") She looks over to the side, and sees the little computerized baby, dancing. When Ally looks away from the dancing baby, everyone wonders if she's okay.

Well, I'm not sure how they did it, but Georgia does go to the class with Ally. While they sculpt, Georgia admits that if she were single, she would just ask him out. Ally remarks that married, off-the-market people are usually the bravest. The chanting starts up again, as Renee attempts to attach the clay penis she has been rolling around in her hands. It falls off. Renee complains that she just "can't do this guy according to scale gravity keeps screwing it up." Ally decides to leave to prepare her case.

As Ally works on her case in her bedroom, (by the way, in this scene, she wears flannel pajamas with sheep on them), she starts to fall asleep, and is awakened by the "oooga chucka, oooga oooga, oooga chucka." The baby is next to her bed, dancing to the same song.

At court the next day, Clint tells Ally that he understands there are risks involved by going with a not guilty plea. She imagines kissing and undressing him, then asks herself, "what's wrong with me, he's only 19?" Wayne, the victim, is the first to take the stand. The District Attorney asks him if he challenged the defendant. He says no. The DA asks him if he had any dialogue with the defendant. Wayne says he only told Clint that it was between himself and the defendant's date, who happened to be his ex-girlfriend. Wayne says that they had dated for two years, and they had only broken up two days before. He was upset with her because she was already with another guy, and she was kissing him at the party. Wayne admits that he and Clint continued to have words, and that Clint asked him to back off. When he didn't, Clint hit him.

On cross, Ally asks Wayne if he called his ex-girlfriend a slut, to which he admits. She asks him if he were in Clint's position, what would he have done. He says he would have walked away. When Ally attempts to explain that, because she is single, she would appreciate being protected that way, and the DA objects, Ally finds herself troubled, and announces that she would like to take a moment. She pinches her nose and looks down at the floor.

Ally and Renee are getting coffee when Glenn, the model, comes up to Ally and asks if she is in the class. Surprised to see him, Ally burns her tongue with her coffee. He introduces himself as one of the models, (duh), and after Renee asks him "how's it hanging?," Ally tells him that he looks different. He says "with clothes on," and Ally giggles a little and answers "yeah." Ally burns her tongue again, and Glenn asks to see it. She sticks it out a bit, and Glenn agrees that it looks a little scalded. He offers to take her out for a cold gimlet later.

Back at the office, Georgia is surprised that Ally is going out with Glenn, and Ally reminds her that the previous evening she was all for it. Georgia tells Ally, "just don't get hurt," to which Ally, Georgia, Renee and Elaine all giggle. When Billy comes in and asks what is going on, Elaine informs him that Ally has a date with "Long John Silver." Billy asks the girls if size really matters. Georgia, Ally and Elaine all answer no, while Renee sticks up her pinky and remarks "all I need."

Later, in Ally's office, Cage tells her that when she "took a moment," he felt as if he were being ridiculed. She explains to him that she tried it because she's seen how it works for him, and he should be flattered. At this point, Ally watches the baby run out of her office. Cage then tells Ally that he knows she is going on another date, and in a wonderful, embarrassingly long speech, tells her that if she has relations with other men, he doesn't care to be briefed. She tells him, "ditto."

In the unisex, Richard tells Billy that after women marry and have kids, they don't want any part of a man's penis. Billy asks Richard if he ever measured himself, and they both admit to it. Then Billy asks Richard if he ever wonders if he's good in bed. Richard says he knows he is, because he's always satisfied.

At home, Ally has told Renee about the dancing baby. Renee tells Ally that she isn't having a breakdown, instead, she's hearing her biological clock.

In court the next day, Clint is on the stand, explaining how Wayne accused his date of cheating on him when they were dating, and asked her how many more men she was going to sleep with that night. The District Attorney is able to get Clint to admit that Wayne never got physical with him.

Georgia goes into the unisex, and Billy is getting ready to come out. He asks her if she will drive on Friday in case he drinks. He asks a few more questions, then out of the blue asks if he satisfies her in bed. Georgia is caught off guard, and after she looks under all the stalls to make sure they are alone, she tells Billy that she is a very satisfied woman.

Back in court, Dr. John Emburg, a clinical psychologist, is sworn in. Cage stands up as if to ask him a question, then pauses, for a very long time. When the judge finally says something, Cage says he has no questions. His client's father is angry, but Cage tells them he knows what he's doing. In the elevator alone with Ally, she asks Cage if he knows what he's doing and he says he does.

Ally and Glenn are having a drink in the bar downstairs from the firm. We discover that he's a professional snowboarder, and because of that, he travels a lot. Modeling helps to pay a few bills. At home, Ally and Renee sit on Ally's bed together, and Ally admits that she would have gone to bed with Glenn. She adds that he's leaving the country on Sunday.

In another house, in another bed, Billy and Georgia are side-by-side, on their backs. Billy says he's sorry and Georgia tells him not to apologize. Actually, she's surprised this hasn't happened before, because, doesn't it happen to all men? She tells Billy that the idea of him being insecure with her, instead of her being insecure with him, makes her feel good.

Ally is awakened to the beginning of Queen's "We Will Rock You." She wakes up and starts yelling at the dancing baby, which this time she only hears scampering back and forth. Renee comes in, and when Ally tells her she is trying to catch the baby, Renee tells Ally that she needs to "go with Glenn, go with life, and go to sleep." (This time, Ally is wearing flannel pajamas with clouds on them.)

The next day, Renee reminds Ally that she will be gone that evening because she's going skiing. She asks if she will miss anything, and Ally assures her that if she does, she will let her read her journal. They tell each other to "break a leg."

In court, Cage gives the closing argument, and asks the jury, "what was he supposed to do?" He explains that he didn't ask the doctor any questions because he decided that the jury didn't really need some specialist to educate them about human nature. Man is part warrior, he says. He goes on to tell the jury about something that happened to him when he was 13. He was standing in line at the movies, and another boy cut in front of him. The boy was bigger than he was, and he did nothing about it. Then, about three years ago, Cage was in a bar and a man heading for the men's room bumped his shoulder. The man, who was larger than Cage, was at fault, but he called Cage an idiot. After a few words were exchanged, the man pushed Cage, and in that moment, he became the boy at that movie theater. Cage pushed him back, and when the guy came forward to hit Cage, he punched him in the jaw. He tells the jury that as a man, the most satisfying moment of his life was that punch. He then tells them to admit to themselves that they are glad his client threw that punch.

Back at the office, Ally tells the guys that Cage's closing speech was his best ever. (I would have to agree.) The guys (and Elaine) are all smoking cigars (it's fight night, that's the only time they can smoke them in the office), when Elaine tells them the verdict is in. Cage has joined Ally, and they turn to enter the elevator. The dancing baby tries to get in the elevator with them, and Ally jumps. Cage asks her what she is seeing, and she tells him. He tells her that he had a therapist who told him to confront his hallucinations. He had a dead aunt who wanted him to have tea with her and he stopped the hallucinations by having tea with her.

In court, the jury finds Clint not guilty of misdemeanor battery.

In the last segment of the show, we go back and forth between Ally and Glenn on their date, and Cage, Richard, Billy, Georgia and Elaine watching the fight. After Ally and Glenn dance at the bar, they walk back to her place, and play "Heart and Soul" together on the piano. They look into each other's eyes, kiss, and end up on the floor in front of the fireplace. Everything begins to happen in slow-motion, as we go between the boxing match, and the other "sweat-fest" happening back at Ally's place. The boxing match is over in one round. And, considering that Ally is showering alone later that night, I'd say her match was over in one round, too.

After her shower, Ally comes out of the bathroom in her flannel pajamas (the one's with the sheep), and when she hears the chanting again, she's had it. She yells to the dancing baby to get out here and dance with her. The baby comes running into the room, and they dance together.

©1998 Dana Hagerty. All rights reserved.

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